Friday, June 19, 2009

Knight Soup

This one was invented by the Kid.  It is a recipe best cooked along with a small child -- perhaps seven to ten years old -- and it is imperative that you make the ingredients as gruesome as possible.

Get a large iron pot.

Chop up an ogre's head. (This probably looks like an onion, but that is because it is bewitched.) Discuss, as you chop it, who thieved it from the trolls on the magic mountain -- was it Princess Margaret or Squire's son?

Once the ogre's head is chopped up, simmer it in the iron pot in some dragon's blood, which smells probably something like olive oil. (If your child likes dragons, tell her the dragon doesn't mind giving up a tiny bit of blood to the Princess, because she asks so sweetly.)

Slice some giant's finger bones (green as celery) and toss them in.  Stir, stir.

Pour in troll tears (salty as chicken broth) -- why have the trolls been crying so much?  You and the kid can speculate as you cut up the dried magic mushrooms (or, if you don't like mushrooms, magic rocks, shaped just like potatoes).

A bit of shredded knight flesh gets added in here.  You can use chicken or unicorn flesh if you don't have any dead knights lying about.  Add pepper and salt.  Not too much.

Stir and simmer for awhile.  Add in the jewels robbed from the dragon's horde -- these can be whatever jewels you like.  The kid liked the green and yellow ones, shaped like peas and corn.

Then add ground giant bones, chanting FEE FI FO FUM!  Since it looks like rice, it should boil about the same length of time.  Add as much as you like.  The kid likes lots and lots -- she likes her knight soup to be very nearly like knight gruel.

Serve with fingers.  I mean toast fingers!


  1. This is one of the best recipes I've ever, ever read. Kudos to the Kid!